It is so easy to let your life be defined by the deprivations that you live with. If you live with a disability or live with someone who has a disability it is more than easy. It is actually almost seductive to clothe yourself as a victim and to know that you are an especially virtuous creature who lives an especially heroic life.
Helen Keller captured an essential truth. “Yes, the world is full of tales of people suffering…. But it is also filled with tales of people overcoming suffering.” Despite what we often tell ourselves there is no special virtue in feeling bad. The virtue is in what we do with it.
I know from personal experience how easy it is to fall into a victim stance. Particularly when the suffering seems inevitable it seems to only make sense. Sometimes it is only when you stop and see that your life has become only about what is wrong that you begin to realize what you have bought into. Sometimes when so many things are wrong it is hard to see what isn’t.
The option is, instead of seeing life as nothing more than the deprivations we face, is to see it as being about more, as seeing it as being about the opportunities we find. If life is nothing but deprivation the only question is how can we survive. If life is about more then the question becomes how can we thrive.
When I look at the people that really impress me that seems to be a constant thread. Life is about more than survival. Often these are people for whom survival is really a struggle, people who would seem to have the “least.” I have known people who have a lot—money , power, prestige etc.—for whom life never is anything but a struggle for survival. Again it seems to be about more than how much we have. Thriving seems to have something to do with what we make of what we have.
Part of this is a matter of focus. Survival is the issue when life is only about me. To thrive means to look at life knowing that it is about more than you. There is a purpose, something larger than yourself, that is worth being part of. One of the things I think it means is to be part of other people. A large part of thriving is knowing that you have something worth giving. It means knowing that getting is not the only operation in the math of life.
Life has been hard for Linda and I . She has had major problems with epilepsy and bipolar disorder. She has went through brain surgery. She has survived more than one suicidal moment. She has been in the hospital 16 times in the last 5 years for one thing or another and went through 5 major surgeries. We have suffered financial catastrophe and at times have not known where the next food or gas is coming from and whether or not homelessness is around the corner. Pain and suffering have never been in short supply.
I have seen myself when I have been at my worst though and I know that is when survival seems like the only question worth answering. Obviously we must take care of the things that threaten us if we can. But doing what we must doesn’t mean to neglect doing what we can. As strange as it may sound I can cope with a lot when life is about more than what I can cope with. If the only question is can I cope it seems to always feel like the burden is too heavy.
I don’t know what your burdens are and I certainly can’t judge your priorities in life. But take a look for a minute. Have you let your life become being a question of survival? Is your focus on all the things wrong? Is opportunity even a possibility in your eyes? I know for me I have to struggle a lot. Jesus said the great commandments were to love others and love God. Maybe that was his way of saying make sure life is about more than you and how you feel.
Sometimes I miss the most important things. No matter how true it feels I want my life to be about more than the pain I must endure. I want it to be about more than survival. The real question is what do I need to do, no matter what my circumstances, to thrive and prosper in life. What does it even mean to prosper? Surely it is about more than making bad feelings or bad situations go away. This is the only life I have and if I want it to be worthwhile, then maybe, just maybe, I need to try to live like it is worth living.
Hope works because we can thrive. Many of the best things in my life I have gotten from people who seemed to have the least to give. Thriving is sometimes as hard for those that have as those that don’t have. Seek possibility. Find opportunity. Have a good life please.
One of the mysteries of life is not just why people do foolish things, but why we seem so easily to fall in love with them. Even the best of us seem to have an amazing ability to buy into foolish behavior.
I look at things like drugs or alcohol and ask myself how can someone buy into something that is so obviously self destructive, but there seems to be no shortage of people who do. When I speak to them is that in their eyes using drugs make very good sense. I talk to people who have problems with out of control anger and wonder how can anybody buy into violence but yet there is no shortage of those who believe that violence make very good sense. Most of us I think have things we love that are so bad for us and yet we find every way to make sense of them and continue proudly in their service.
I have come to the conclusion that it is a 3 step process and that these 3 steps describe much of how we make our lives miserable.
One good way to measure your life is to look at what you have allegience to. You have allegience when you will do something regardless of the consequences it brings you. Most of the time, in fact, you try very hard to stay unaware of the consequences of those things you have allegience to.
I think I have learned one other thing about allegience. We don’t tend to change much when people tell us not to care about the things we care about. Not only can we be foolish, but we can also be stubborn. The two in fact seem to go together. Allegiences change when we find something else that is more worth caring about. I am convinced the only answer to addiction is to find something you care about more and then reaffirm that choice on a daily basis until your allegience grows stronger and stronger.
So if you are constantly shooting yourself in the foot look at what you care about. What do you consistently display allegience to? Is it worth it? Is there something that is worth more to care about.
We are never cured. As human beings we have a life-long penchant for foolishness. But remember even if you find yourself caring about things that only lead to foolishness and problems it doesn’t change a central truth. Just because somethings are not worth caring about doesn’t mean that nothing is. You just have to find it.
Often people are told “think before you act” only to find out that everything they think makes the situation worse rather than better. We have infinite skills in finding sense in the things we do when there is none. The real problem is not so much that people do not think. I think it is impossible not to think. The real problem is how people think. It is the “how” of thinking, rather than the “what” of thinking that defines how clear our thought processes are.
When dealing with negative feelings like anger, anxiety, fear, and guilt the most important tasks are to use our thinking processes in such a way that we do not make a bad decision worse. Dealing with negative emotions is basically a problem solving task (something is wrong and something must be done) and our hope is that the way we think helps us to solve problems rather than create them.
I am going to suggest a series of 4 questions that we can ask ourselves in these situations that if used will help to make us think clearer and solve problems better. Just knowing these questions though is not enough. You must practice using them enough so that they become second nature to you or you are likely not to use them in the type of situations you need them most.
1. Importance- Is what we are angry about (sad….anxious…guilty….) really important or am I getting upset about something not worth the effort and trouble? How much time do we spend tilting at trivial windmills? The serenity prayer could perhaps use an addition about “showing us what is not worth worrying about.” All of us have situations or subjects we are prone to over-react to. It is a powerful survival skill to be able to tell the difference between an irritation and an assault. Check it out before you jump. Is it worth it?
2. Accuracy- Do we have the evidence to back up our feelings? What do we base our perceptions on. Are we taking things personal that are not personal? Are we over-generalizing? Are we acting like we can read other peoples minds? Get in the habit of asking yourself he question, “How do I know?” When we are already ready upset the chances of further misperception skyrocket and we always need to tell ourselves just because something feels so it doesn’t make it so.
3. Control- Even if it is important and even if my feelings are justified is it something I have any control over? Is this something I just need to accept and live with. How often have you brought yourself misery trying to control something you have no control over? I know I have. Get in the habit of checking out your impulse to action. Ask yourself, “Can I do anything about it.”
4. Cost- If it is important and my feelings are justified and I can do something about it then is it worth it. Will I pay more than I gain? How many times have you tried to teach someone a lesson, only to find out the lesson is on you. This is particularly true for people who have a problem with anger. One of the greatest problems people with anger problems have is that they do not tend to question the impulse to revenge and “teaching people a lesson.”
These four questions do not exhaust all the ways that you can “think clearly.” But if you do practice them and make them habits they offer you a potentially very effective cognitive first aid to keep yourself from implementing self defeating behaviors. The real task is not so much to “think before you act” as it is to “look before you leap.” The real question is do your cognitive processes open or close your eyes? Do your thoughts help you to see clearly or further dim your sight? Think about your life for a moment. How well do you see? Is it time for your to open your eyes?
Knowledge is necessity, particularly when you are talking about developing a recovery based life-style in dealing with bipolar disorder. I want to use this opportunity to share with you some sources of knowledge for me, which might be of interest for you.
These are just a few of the sites that I have seen that offer a lot of knowledge. I hope you check them out. I appreciate any feedback and would be interested in any sites that you are aware of.
Hurry Down Sunshine is a new book by Michael Greenberg that is being reviewed in the review section of this site. I hope you will check it out. The book itself is not due for release until Sept 8, but we got an advance copy from his publisher. This book promises to make a big splash. It talks about the summer his 15 year old daughter was “struck mad.” It is a great description of bipolar, as well as what the experience of mental illness is like for the entire family. It is worth reading.