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Our lives are touched each day by anger, either our own, or that of others. For many of us it is a normal, even casual, daily companion. Despite our best intentions, at times we erupt in anger. It seems to happen no matter how hard we try. Even the best of us find ourselves getting too mad when we get mad, staying mad too long, or getting mad too often.

Anger management is a master skill. It gives us the opportunity to do much in life. Without it we are basically at the mercy of our impulses and frustrations. Anger unchecked has a voracious appetite. It consumes our attention. We find ourselves using our anger to solve problems with other people even when we know it really doesn’t work. Relationships suffer and die. We end up enjoying little and look forward to even less.

For the chronically angry person the stress of everyday living is overwhelming. To go from the beginning of the day to the end of the day without catastrophe is a miracle seldom seen. They see threat everywhere and in preparing to “protect” themselves bring on the very conflict that they anticipate.

We know we need to do better, but is really hard to change. Anger is both seductive and compelling. We find ourselves “driven” to act, and then find that our anger gives us ready excuses for the worst possible behavior.

Left to itself anger hardens easily into contempt and contempt into malice. Contempt breeds contempt. Attack leads to counter-attack and soon there is an endless cycle of never-ending conflict with no clear beginning and seemingly no possible end.

We are left with a mean world where retribution and revenge make so much common sense it seems hopelessly naive to argue against them. Anger and violence become tied to strength and strength becomes a measure of our worth and esteem. In Harry Potter, Voldemart tells Harry Potter, “There is no such thing as good or bad, only power.” And for far too many of us, too much of the time, that is the unspoken reality we have come accustomed to living with.

It does not seem to do much good to simply base our hopes on “trying harder” to maintain self control. It is not so much what we “try” to do as what we train to become. It does little good to possess skills or knowledge, unless we become the kind of people who are likely to use them. To change you must do what changed people do. In practicing we become what we are practicing.

In practicing we learn how things work. In learning how things work we acquire self-control. We become able to do “it” on purpose. In acquiring self-control we build persistence. With persistence we learn to see choices as valuable and correct regardless of immediate consequences. We internalize the things we value. The things we value define who we are and who we are organizes how we approach life.

Below you will find an outline for a program to teach anger management. This program is based on the idea that disciplined practice eventually makes us able to do things we couldn’t ordinarily do by strength of will. As you become the kind of person who habitually does the things discussed in this program you will find life presents more and more opportunity to you and is not solely a source of daily disappointment and deprivation.








WHAT?
SO WHAT?
NOW WHAT?
WHAT NOW?
WHAT NEXT?

A PROGRAM FOR LEARNING ANGER MANAGEMENT:

I. Self- Control. Learning how to not base actions on impulses or feelings. Saying no to yourself and meaning it. Stopping skills. Based on knowing “what” is going on.
A. Self- Awareness-
1. Become an expert on how you get mad. Learn to recognize
the process. Focus, not on why you get mad, but how.
a. Anger is a process. See it coming. Identification
increases options.
b. What else are you feeling? Anger is normally not alone.
It is usually a response to another feeling—being scared,
being sad, being frustrated, being embarrassed etc.
c. What triggers your anger? What kind of situations are
high risk situations for you?
d. What are the cues that tell you that you are angry when
are angry and how angry you are?
2. Remember you are not your feelings.
3. Feeling like doing something is not the same as deciding
do it.
B. Slow down behaviors- maintaining control.
1. Know your blind spots. Be prepared. Have a plan to deal
with provocation. Look before you leap.
2. Don’t fuel the fires of conflict.
a. Stop arguing.
b. Don’t call names or demean others.
c. Don’t say, do, or think angry things.

3. Think, do, and say calming things.
a. Don’t assume you know peoples intentions from the way
their behavior impacts you.
b. Relaxation. Breathing. Imagery.
c. Say no to retribution.
4. Decide to decide what to do.

II. Thinking. Use wisdom and discernment. “So what is the issue?”
A. Is what you are mad about really important?
1. Do not lose track of what you really want. Do not cut your
nose off to spite your face.
2. Do not let anger distract or disrupt you from your purpose
and goals.
3. Use your goals and values as a means to measure
importance.
B. Are your feelings justified?
1. Are you taking things personal that aren’t?
2. Are you being fair? Put yourself in the other person’s
shoes. What is your role in the problem?
3. Are you assuming damage that doesn’t exist? Is
it really that bad?
4. Are your feelings self-serving? Are you using your anger to
give your permission to do something you wouldn’t otherwise
do?
C. Can you do anything about it? Do you just have to accept
this? Is there any point to being mad or do you just need to go
on?
D. Is it worth the cost?
1. What will be the reality consequences of what I do?
2. How will it effect my relationship with other people?
3. How will it effect my relationship with myself?
E. Is what I’m considering doing right or wrong?
1. What principles or values am I basing my decision on?
2. What principles or values am I ignoring?




III. Deciding. Planning, deciding, and making a commitment. “Now what should I do?”
A. Planning
1. What do you want?
2. How can you get it?
3. How will you know you have it?
B. Decision.
1. What will you do?
2. Is there anything you need to do first?
3. The first step is......
C. Commitment
1. When?
2. Where?
3. How long?

IV. Doing. Action. “What now?”
A. Did I misperceive?
1. Refocus attention.
2. Redirect behavior.
B. Is this situation something you must accept? Let it go and
focus on the future.
C. Is this a conflict that needs resolution?
1. Acknowledge the conflict. Don’t avoid.
2. Own responsibility for working it out. Even if the other guy
is wrong.
3. Approach the other person. Maintain control and help the
other party do the same.
4. Do not try to get someone to take your side. No collusion.
5. Listen to the other person. Don’t try to back them in
corner.
6. Try to be as flexible as possible. Don’t give up.
D. Forgiveness. Sometimes things don’t work out. Forgiving
versus holding a grudge.

V. Going on. “What next?” Preventing more conflicts.

A. Treat others with dignity and respect.
B. Treat their feelings as important.
C. Appreciate their behavior. Catch them “doing good.”
D. Be approachable and available.
E. Be honest and fair. Hold people accountable for their
behavior.
F. Show people you care.